December has felt very much like the past few months: a lot of gratitude, time spent on the things I love, and still very little sleep (oh Chet!). As the year comes to end, I feel confident that it’s time to let go my 2014 mantra to find breathing room in my life and time to embrace my new mantra for 2015. It’s time to for me to thrive. It’s time to push out of my comfort zone to new areas of growth. I’m ready for new goals and new experiences. 2015 already has amazing things planned. For the first time in possibly my entire life, I am overwhelmed by the sense that every detail of my life has been significant to getting me to this place. The memories I’ve wished to erase are now memories I’m grateful for in my life. The good ones, the bad one, the ugly ones, the embarrassing ones, the silly ones, the magical ones…
During the month of November, I had the opportunity to sit around the table with nine Operation Smile foundations from around the world. Countries from Cambodia to South Africa to Brazil were present in the week long meetings. In the list of the millions reasons why I love my job connecting with people from other walks of life is high on the list. Every day the world feels smaller and smaller. At a dinner one of the evenings I sat across the table from a colleague (now friend) from South Africa. She took my mala in her hands and told me it need to be cleansed. It was cold. The conversation flowed and we talked about my boys. She asked questions. I shared stories. As we talked more and more, she told me my boys are here for a reason. My heart sung as I heard these words. I’ve always believed that our children bring with them a lesson for us to learn. Cole taught me to love. Chet is teaching me to let go. My new friend has a different perspective. Cole is my healer. Chet has something even greater to teach me. He is my root.
This conversation has echoed in my heart in the days since we have met. I believe with my whole heart that Cole is a healer, but how in the world is Chet my root? He is the chaos in my world. He brings out the ugly in me. At the end of the day when I am exhausted and he refuses to sleep, he knocks me out of comfort zone. If anything he has uprooted all normalcy in our household.
This past Saturday I ran my favorite trails. As the miles went by I felt myself shed all thought. It was just me, the sound of the leaves under my shoes, and my breath. I felt free. My heart was floating in my body. As I ran, I stretched my arms out wide. I wanted to fly. I ran down the path and pretended to be plane. I high-fived the Spanish moss. I felt like a child again. I felt free. As I lifted my head to the sky, it started to rain. In that moment, the world and I were one. I understood. Life is about keeping your heart open and spreading your arms out wide to accept all that life has to offer. It’s also about opening up and letting go. My heart continued to soar as I ran down the trail. Why can’t I carry this feeling around with me always? Why can’t my heart always be this open?
It was when I asked myself that question that I understood the words of my friend from South Africa. Chet is my root. In his chaos, in his determination to own his own world, he is teaching me to stay true to my core even when the world spins around me. The lesson isn’t to teach him to sleep or to contain his temper tantrum. The lesson is to trust. The lesson is to know that it is safe to stay open and free in the midst of chaos. I don’t know how to do this yet, but I now know it is my lesson to learn.
It has nothing to do with late bedtimes or two year old tantrums. That is life. That is a normal transition of a child. Learning to remain open has everything to do with me being uncomfortable when I don’t have a solution. It has everything to do with me holding on to tightly to something I can’t control. Hasn’t he been teaching me this since before he was born? Chet’s exploration of life isn’t a problem. How I react to these moments is where I have room to grow.
“This is what the things can teach us: to fall, patiently to trust our heaviness. Even a bird has to do that before he can fly.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke
“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.” ~Maya Angelou
These days I find myself pinching my own arm. I start every day feeling grateful – grateful for the work I get to do every day, grateful for the smiling eyes that wake me up every morning, grateful for exactly where I’m at in life. My heart is full.
As temperatures drop and the leaves fall off the trees, I’ve been drawn to the trails more and more. Running through the leaves, up and over sand dunes, and around the trees, my love of running has come back with a rush. I’m not worried about pace or mileage. I’m running until my legs burn and then I’m a running a little more. I’ve had a hard time finding words to define this new space, and then I read an article in Women’s Running Magazine where Lauren Kleppin reflected on her experience at the New York City Marathon.
I was hoping to be an inspiration! I definitely survived, but I wanted to thrive.” ~Lauren Kleppin
That’s when it hit me. I’ve been in survival mode for so long. I survived five years at a job I didn’t enjoy. I survived my running slump this summer. Now I’m thriving. As I look forward to life and running, this is the space I want to exist in. I want to thrive. I am thriving. If I back myself into a corner where I’m just surviving again, I know exactly what I need to do. I need to step back. I need to find breathing room. I need to change paths.
I’m so thankful for this year, a year I decided to focus on finding breathing room in my life. I could never imagine the opportunities that currently exist in my life. I never knew my heart could feel so full.
The new year isn’t here yet, but this fall feels like a new start for me. It’s time to embrace the breathing room I’ve created. It’s time to thrive. Welcome to my new year!
“Child, you have to learn to see things in the right proportions. Learn to see great things great and small things small.” ~Corrie ten Boom
I think fall and winter are my two favorite seasons. I seem to wilt in the summer heat. Just like every other year, October brings me back to life. My head and heart have felt so engaged lately. I can feel the current of excitement building back up inside my body.
The month kicked off with a much need reset. I got to spend five days with a fabulous coworker in New Orleans sharing our passion for what we do at the Annual Meeting for Anesthesiologists. The trip also included a few wonderful laughs along Bourbon And Frenchman Street. The rest of the month was sprinkled with pumpkin festivities – cutting pumpkins from the vine, hanging up spooky ghost lights, carving a jack o lantern, and trick or treating.
While my life feels like it’s building momentum towards something really great, I’m ending the month with a heartbreaking reminder that none of it really matters if my boys aren’t smiling next to me. I’ve been really great at nurturing my two little guys, my career and my own heart. I need to make sure I’m nurturing the man who loves me most because life is always too short. I want to love him as best I can every single day.
In all my months going forward, I want to make sure my days are filled with the great things. The small things can be noisy and loud. They can demand attention. They are great distractors. But the great things, those are the things that are worth my attention. There is nothing greater than the love I receive daily and the love I can give back.
“Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.” ~Rabindranath Tagore
As I pulled into my driveway after a busy day at work and a last-minute visit to the doctor (that trumped my plans to go to my first boot camp class), I could see the sun beginning to flirt with the tree line. The thought of seeing the sunset over the river is all it takes these days to get me out the door in my running shoes. Cole, home with a clean bill of health, had an art project to tackle. Christian was grilling. Chet and I decided to chase the sunset. I ran as fast as I could to catch the setting sun. The river is less than a mile from our front door, but leaving for a run with a two-year old never happens quickly. Running while pushing a two-year old never happens quickly. We made it to the river just as the gorgeous reds were leaving the sky.
We missed the sunset, but the river was still waiting. I always let Chet run with me for the few blocks along the river. We bird watch. We check out the crane that is building the new boat ramp. After some begging and pleading (and protesting), he returns to his stroller (or tractor or lawn mower or dinosaur – whatever his imagination determines each night) to take the long way home.
This is why I run. My reasons for why I run change with the seasons of my life. During this season, I run for the sunset and the sunrise. I run to see the world wake up and fall asleep. It refreshes my soul. It hits the reset button.
Running has become less about pace and personal bests and more about connecting with my body. It’s become my way to keep my body, my mind, and my spirit free. It has become a time to explore the wild imagination of a two-year old and to listen to the rambles of a ten-year old. It’s become my way to catch up on conversation with my husband. There are nights the whole family joins me on their bikes. My running can be selfish at times. I run for myself, but my evening hours at home are limited. My time with my boys is limited. So I selfishly bring them with on my runs. I don’t think they mind.
Everything in life has a season. Right now is my season to bask in the glow of sunshine. I want to take in as many sunrises and sunsets as I can. I want to celebrate the promise of new beginnings, and I want to celebrate what has been offered as each day ends. I’m excited about running again for no other reason than I love to run. It’s something I hope I never take for granted.
Fall race season is just around the corner. I won’t be trying to run my fastest times or to push myself to new levels. This season I want to carry sunshine with me on to the race course. I just want to run. I just want to shine.
“Stillness is not about focusing on nothingness; it’s about creating an emotional clearing to allow ourselves to feel, think, dream and question.” ~Brene Brown
August is ending on a high note, on a simple note. As I’ve stripped away layers of clutter, I’m sitting in the messy, real, simple core of life. Love. Yes, it is still messy. Yes, it is still hard. The difference between this mess and the clutter of life is that this matters. Love matters. It’s not filler. It’s not a bandaid. It’s not numbing. This is life, and I feel like I’m learning how to live my own version.
“Light tomorrow with today.” ~Elizabeth Barrett Browning
This morning I lined up for a 5k knowing I’m not in racing condition, knowing that I’ve struggled all summer to find space in my runs, and knowing that 3 miles now feels like a long run. I know all of this, yet I was excited. The timing of this race just felt right. I was ready to test my new running philosophy: accept where I am at today.
But old habits die hard. I did my best not to speculate about finish times, to analyze the few runs I have worn my garmin on this summer to predict my outcome, or to stress that a PR wasn’t a possibility (24:50 for those of you who are curious, 7:59 pace). I only let my brain wander as far as setting a few loose goals for the race outside of enjoying myself and pushing myself on the course.
A perfect day – 27:xx, 8:59 pace (I am well aware that I ran this pace for 10 miles in April. Another true test of my new running philosophy. Could my ego let go?)
A solid run – Low 9s
Crap that sucked – anything over 9:20
I lined up next to a few friends and told them that who ever was having a solid day running was required to run.
Laura and I stuck together for Mile 1. I had previously told her my plan was to hit a 9 minute mile. At some point she kindly told me that if a 9 minute mile was my pace, I was running way too fast. We slowed down, chatted, and had some fun.
Mile 1 – 8:28
In mile 2 I encouraged Laura to go ahead. My stomach was telling me to slow down, but I knew I was in a good spot if I could just hang on. Panicking mid-race has been my weakness this year. When I saw 8:28 on my watch and my stomach started to rumble, I felt panic taking over. My focus quickly become to sit in a pocket that felt comfortable. Don’t panic. Relax. Don’t panic. Relax.
Mile 2 – 9:35 (I may have got a little too comfortable this mile)
Mile 3 was about hanging on. My hip flexors are tight lately. I like to lead with my pelvis when I run. Instead of focusing on the miles or the finish line, I focused on my body. I did my best to keep my hips under me. I did my best to keep my upper body relax.
Mile 3 – 9:16
In the final stretch I found a familiar face. Teresa, the overall female winner today, came back to run me in. She helped squeeze out the last bit of energy I had left in my legs. She reminded me to lift my knees and to use my arms. She took over my thinking since my brain had shut off.
Final stretch – 6:58 pace
Official Finish time: 28:00, 9:02 pace
Am I happy with this run? You bet!
It’s no secret my ego has been attached to my running ability for some time. It’s so easy to get caught up in the race to run further or to run faster. I got stuck in a place that let the pace on a race clock determine my level of success. Today that ego didn’t show up. I hope it’s squashed for good. I ran each mile as best I could. I have happily accepted exactly where I am at right now, not last year, not last month, but today! Coming to terms with this has been hard. My ego put up a good fight. But man, it feels good to kick that ego to the curb. It feels good to enjoy the run!
Today’s run was perfect! It makes me really excited about the fall races I have coming up!
Priorities. Smart choices. Balance. Knowing that I don’t function well when my world feels noisy and chaotic, this month I made intentional choices to use my time to fill my life with things that make me happy. At the end of every day, I have very little free time to give. My energy is given to my family and my work, so I am making sure I don’t fill up every second of our free time. Weekends have been filled with lazy days on the beach. Summer nights have been spent catching fireflies and taking evening runs to the park.
A two-week break from running this month also brought a lot of clarity to my relationship with running. Happy miles are my driving force right now. I’ve done more easy runs with Chet in the stroller than speed work outs with friends. I’ve run more slow miles on trails than speedier long runs on the road.I’ve let go of the structure of a training plan (for right now), and I’m filling my weekly runs with sunrises, friends, and stroller runs. It’s working. I’m feeling renewed.
This month has been a great reminder that I know myself best. I am at my best when I’m trusting my body and my heart.
This is a joint project with Heidi Calma Photography that was created when we were wondering how we could stay more focused on our words for the year and celebrate them along the way. Check out her posts, too!
My parents brought a breath of fresh air to my house plans just when everything was starting to go stale. Do to some rearranging in their own home, they needed to get rid of the bed in their guest room. The timing is perfect since Christian and I have enjoyed our cozy full size bed since our lives joined forces under one roof. A full size bed was always perfect. He was always close. It felt cozy and connected. One dog later and a toddler who likes to wander into our room every now and then, our cozy bed has run out of room. We are upgrading. The shift in our room is causing a trickle effect into the boys rooms as well. Cole is inheriting our bed (which also gives us the ability to host guests if anyone is in town), and Chet will inherit Cole’s bed. With all the shifting going on, I’m taking advantage of the time to organize and add a splash of life to our bedroom as well.
Queen Size Bed
New Sheets and pillows
New Bed Skirt
Refinish bedside table
Add some character. Fortunately we already have most of the elements I want in our bedroom, so I just need to buy the final touches.
Bye bye crib/toddler bed
While making our bedrooms work for our family will add a huge benefit to our daily living, there is one eye sore in our house I am having a hard time ignoring: our front room/the boys play room. We had great intentions when we created this space (read the Kid Cave post here). Those intentions have never been put to full use. The Kid Cave has never been fully utilized and it has turned into a messy play room/place to drop things when we walk in the door. It’s time to reclaim that space and make it part of the heartbeat of our house.
The Kid Cave is turning into a quiet retreat. With Chet inheriting Cole’s bed, we are left with my dad’s amazing childhood bed frame and an extra twin mattress. I prefer items that have history and are well-loved instead of newly purchased items, so this makes my heart sing! We will be turning it into a daybed/couch. The toys are moving out. The books are moving in. The fish tank is relocating. A desk is taking its place. The train table is staying for now. I’m really excited about what this room can become for our family. I know I need a place that lacks noise, and I know my family needs it too. RIght now every room in our house is filled with toys. We need (I want) a place to read a good book, to practice yoga, to play a card game as a family, and to just relax. I can’t wait to see what it becomes. We already have most of the elements we are looking for, so the redo won’t cost us much money
Front Room Makeover
Move rocking chair to room
Move desk to room
Remove all old furniture
New baskets for train tracks
Switch out curtains with sheers we already have, new rod above small window
Out with the toys, in with the books! the train table can stay