Living Unbroken 

When you feel strong, you become strong. 

I had no idea I needed this. I had no idea I still needed to heal. I didn’t know my heart still hurt. I didn’t know I still saw doubt in every familiar face. I didn’t recognize how much I was guarding my heart. I didn’t know I still so desperately needed someone to say I believe you

My intention for this year of life was to prove to myself that I am strong. I lined up at the start line of the Shamrock Half Marathon with a simple statement on the back of my race bib: Permission to be Unbreakable. As race day approached, I wrote these words on this blog:

2016 is different. 2016 is the year I write my own story. This blank slate is giving me the opportunity to launch myself down whatever path I choose. There is no heartache to overcome. There is nothing to heal, fix or piece together. I am whole. 

I believed it with my whole heart. 

Except. 

Except there was still a crack. There was still doubt. There was still a shadow clinging to everything I did. I still didn’t believe that I was unbreakable. I still didn’t believe that I was strong. I had been broken. I had been raped. How I viewed myself, how I spoke to myself, and how I believed in myself had been rewired. I was wired with doubt. 

That doesn’t go away without awareness. This week I’ve become aware. 

A few months ago, I was lifting weights. The owner of Evofit looked at me. She said You don’t have an aggressive bone in you body, do you? It was very much a truthful observation. Her words stuck with me. They’ve motivated me. This week I’ve become aware of why. 

I still didn’t believe I was allowed to fight for myself. 

I still didn’t believe I was allowed to be strong. 

Every time I’ve hit publish on a piece of my story this week, I’ve silenced those beliefs. Every time you’ve read my words, you’ve help me rewire my approach to myself. 

This week has been a lot. I’ve cried. I’ve felt triumphant. I’ve felt empowered. I’ve cried. I’ve cried more. I’ve cried tears for your stories, and I’ve cried tears of release for my story. 

All week I’ve thought to myself when you’re strong you become strong. 

Before strength can ever manifest itself on the outside, I needed to believe it on the inside. I needed to truly believe it. This week I have found my strength. I’ve found it emotionally. I’ve found it physically. 

I didn’t need to believe that I was whole. I’ve always believed that about myself. I needed to believe that I wasn’t broken. 

Healing is something that continuously happens over a lifetime. Being aware of my internal strength will carry me through the process. I will always look back at this week every time I need a reminder. 

My quest for strength also continues. It’s time to live like I’m unbreakable. Finding my strength is now about potential. What can I achieve now that I believe I won’t break? 

It’s time to find out. 

A 70lb PR on Tuesday
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s