I’d love to be..

Sometimes I can get stuck in my own head, daydreaming about where I could have ended up, or another life I could have lived. What if I went away to school? What if I was brave enough to study abroad? What if I got that MFA in Creative Writing I really wanted? What if I followed that calling to run off with the Peace Corps? When I’m done wandering down that road that never leads to this life I love, I start to wander down the road of real what-ifs? What if we have another baby? What if we decided we are done with just two? What if I became a doula? What if I focused more on yoga instead of running? What if I left my flexible job for one that was more fulfilling? What if I wrote more? What if I could find a way to stay home? What if we moved to Utah?

I’d love to be..

  • a mother who raises children who grow up without wounds from my parenting choices
  • a mother who raises children who are comfortable in their skin and a desire to explore life
  • a writer
  • a really fast marathon runner
  • a Boston Qualifier
  • a yogi who practices every single day
  • a teacher of yoga
  • a career woman who has an inspiring profession
  • a career woman who educates the world on health
  • a student studying nutrition and holistic health
  • a stay at home mom
  • a wife who greets her husband at the door every day with a smile, a kiss, and a well prepared meal
  • a provider for my family
  • someone with a clean and organized house
  • a gardener with a huge vegetable garden
  • a handyman who can build all the furniture I wish I could buy
  • a world traveler who lives out of a backpack (for at least the summer)
  • a volunteer at my boys’ school
  • well-read (and the stack of t0-read books would slowly disappear)
  • found meditating every single day
  • a doula who gently guides moms and babies in childbirth
  • a really good friend who never forgets a birthday or an important date
  • someone who always remembers to send a card or a thank you

My list doesn’t stop there. All of these things are a part of who I am, the things that I love, and the things that I value. I want them all. Choosing one over another always has consequences in life. Putting a check next to one box makes another thing on the list impossible. Today I have chosen family over wandering around the world. I have chosen a less inspired career to focus on other things. I choose running over yoga on most days. I choose reading over a clean house. I choose parenting my boys with a full heart over everything else. I may not greet my husband at the door with dinner, but I do greet him with a smile and a kiss. I don’t know where I would end up had I chose another path. Had I packed up my bags when I was young and left, had I saved the world instead of having a family, where would I be today?

I’ll never know, and neither will you, of the life you don’t choose. We’ll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn’t carry us. There’s nothing to do but salute it from the shore. ~Cheryl Strayed

There’s nothing to do but respect that that sister life was not meant for us. That life was not my life to live. This life is my life, and I’m going to live it with a full heart. I’m going to honor all the things that I love. I don’t know the final outcome of my life. I don’t know what things will get checked off my dream list. I do know I’ve been give exactly what I need right now.

I suppose this is what I meant when I wrote what I did, sweet pea, about how it is we cannot possibly know what will manifest in our lives. We live and have experiences and leave people we love and get left by them. People we thought would be with us forever aren’t and people we didn’t know would come into our lives do. Our work here is to keep faith with that, to put it in a box and wait. To trust that someday we will know what it means, so that when the ordinary miraculous is revealed to us we will be there…grateful for the smallest things. ~Cheryl Strayed

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11 thoughts on “I’d love to be..

  1. no moving to Utah when I’m finally returning and moving to stay in VB missy! you’re an awesome mom and wife and friend. you always help me to “chill out” and enjoy the simpleness that makes life great, even by just reading your blog. other than the Utah thing, knock out any of the items on your list – it doesn’t have to all happen at once!

    1. We are going anywhere – have no fear! We are strongly rooted to this house and life we love. I’m so glad you are coming back! And you are so right…it doesn’t have to (nor should it) happen all at once! Thank you!

  2. This is such an amazing post. One of my favorites. Thank you for being honest and I think writing so well what so many feel and wonder about. That list, I think you may have been reading my mind too! Wonderful, wonderful post.

  3. Aside from the writing, marathon and doula goals, that could totally be my list! And I’m often pondering/daydreaming those what-ifs all the time lately. 🙂

  4. I needed to read this. I need to be greatful for the life I have now, not the what if life. Thanks for posting, couldn’t be better timing or more relevant for me!

  5. What you have chosen, right now, right this minute, is exactly where you need to be. Our dreams are wonderful, but it is the right now that makes you so precious in your children’s eyes…so lovely and beautiful in your husband’s eyes. No, you may never see those dreams come to fruition…but they nourish your soul fully and in turn, that radiates to your family and to the woman you are today! Blessed Be Kristy!

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