I’ve never been one to wear jewelry. I don’t have my ears pierced so you will never see me wearing earings. My wedding ring is a family ring that is a simple wide band with a cluster of small stones instead of a focal point. I’m simple. I enjoy being simple. While I rarely wear jewelry, I hardly ever go anywhere without my mala beads. After my 30 day commitment to Blissology this spring, I found my mala beads (or they found me). Christian and Cole gave them to me as my mother’s day present. A few days after they arrived in the mail, I discovered that I was pregnant. Since then they have become a huge part of who I am.
My mala beads go with me yoga. They sit on my mat and absorb the energy of the room. They are a part of my meditation practice. My mala beads have been with me at every child-birth class I’ve attended. My mala beads are at the top of my “must pack” list for the hospital.
I know it is “just a necklace,” but they mean so much more to me than a pair of beads I wear around my neck. They symbolize all the intentions I have set for myself. They are a constant reminder of how I want to live my life, and they are a reflection of the person I know I am. I can’t imagine not having my mala beads with me. I can’t imagine not having my mala beads with me in the delivery room. My mala beads were going to serve as my reminder of why I’m having a natural birth. When I feel like I can’t do it anymore, my mala beads were going to be my visual reminder that I am doing it and that I can do it.
Yesterday I was sitting at my desk at work talking to my mom. Out of no where I heard the beads tumbling to the floor. I looked down and the necklace had broken at the guru stone on the right side. The left side was still hanging in the middle of my chest. I quickly hung up the phone and my coworker Kate came to my rescue. She picked up all the beads for me off the floor (since I’m not graceful anymore). I put them away safely, and I emailed the company in Canada that sent me the necklace.
My initial reaction to the beads breaking was sadness. I love my mala beads. I feel naked when I don’t have them on. I need them. I need them fixed before Chet’s due date because they have to be with me during delivery.
Before I got a response from Tiny Devotions, the idea of restringing the necklace just didn’t seem right. The idea of buying a new one felt even more wrong. The idea of not having it makes me sad though.
The owner of the company emailed me back to reassure me that they would restring the necklace if I’d like them too, but a mala breaking resembles a karma break through.
The history and tradition of mala beads believes that if your mala breaks it represents karma breaking or a breakthrough. (This is not a bad thing, but rather a positive sign of progression.
A very famous and enlightened yogi was wearing one of our malas for several months when it suddenly broke –
“I think this is a good thing she said.” After we explained the energetic links of a mala to karma she related it back to an experience that she had just had where she felt like a massive block for herself had just disappeared – shortly after – the mala representing this block became caught on something and broke.
So what was my karma breakthrough? I’m not sure, but I do know one thing. I was drawn to my mala beads because of the guru stone. The Citrine stone is a powerful cleanser and regenerator that holds energy. It is the stone of prosperity, joy and abundance. It also helps inspire the exploration of possibilities. When I first found the necklace, I was drawn to idea of possibilities. I was searching for joy and abundance. Christian and I were on the fence about having another baby. I wasn’t unsettled on many questions in my life. I was searching for something. I was questioning my own strength. Over the course of my pregnancy, I know I’ve grown a lot as a person. I’ve discovered happiness in parts of my life that I never imagine would be comforting to me. In the past weeks, I’ve found peace with all the pieces of the puzzle that are my life right now. I’ve found confidence with my birth plan, acceptance with my body and what it is capable of doing, and joy in family life. I feel incredibly rooted to my life right now, and that is the only thing I truly want out of life.
Maybe my mala beads broke because I’m ready for the next chapter in my life. I’m ready to discover what is next. My mala beads have carried the energy I needed to get to this point. I need to let go of the importance I’ve placed on this one item, and I need to trust that everything I love about my mala beads is within me.
I don’t think I’ll be restring my mala. It feels like hitting rewind on life. I’m not sure what the next phase of my journey entails although I know it is great and exciting. I know it will make me a better person, wife, and mom. My next set of mala beads will find me just like this set did earlier this year when I was struggling to make sense of defining strength in my life.
Although I don’t want to recreate this set of beads, I don’t want to forget about what they mean to me. I’m exploring ideas of how to repurpose the beads. I might create something to bring with me to the delivery room. I may create a different piece of jewelry, but I think they served their purpose as my mala beads. The next set will find me when I’m ready for it.