If there is one thing I’ve come to appreciate and value in life as I’ve settled into a happy marriage, embraced motherhood, and entered my 30s, it is truth. Truth in the form of honesty. Truth in the form of living a real life. Truth in the form of being honest about the good, the bad, and the ugly. Life is a beautiful thing, but nothing in life is perfect. Everything has flaws. It is when we are honest and truthful about these flaws that we can be real truthful individuals. There are days that Christian drives me crazy. There are days I drive him nuts – mostly because I can be mean. There are days I want to join the Peace Corps and run away from motherhood. Those are just days in my life. They are in no way a reflection of who I am or what I love. I love my husband. I love being a mother. I love my life.
My appreciation of truth is what I chose to use when defining the relationships in my life. I value real. I value honesty. I need both from those I incorporate into my life. If we are friends, you are going to know me. You might hear way too much, but I hope you never leave a conversation wishing I had been more open. Ask and I’ll tell. Don’t ask and you will probably still know all about it. I don’t want to pretend and make small talk. I like substance. Talk to me about something that is real.
As of 13 weeks ago, I have a two new relationship in my life – me and Maute Moo. and me and my pregnant body. I think it goes without saying how much I already love my peach sized baby. I’m head over heels in love with this baby already. I’m ready to feel him/her move. I’m ready to know if he/she is a boy or a girl. I want to know my baby.
My relationship with my pregnant body is another story. I haven’t quite embraced the changes in my body. I read a blog post today from a retired pro triathelete who just announced her pregnancy called Butt, Boobs, & Belly. I have to admit that I am quite jealous to read how easy it is for her to embrace her changing body. As an adult, I’m very lucky to have never really struggled with self-esteem issues. I’ve never doubted my ability to do things. I’ve always know that I’m capable, and I’m stubborn enough to plow through anything. This pregnancy has turned all of that upside down.
Let’s start with my body. My already too big boobs are becoming HUGE! They hurt! My bras don’t fit. I don’t want to go bra shopping because I’m terrified to find out what size I really need to buy (and bras are entirely too expensive). My butt – UGH! I’ve always had a big booty. Now it’s a little bigger and a little less firm. And my belly. I’m ready to look pregnant not bloated. I think that is happening as I write this post. A guy I work with came up to me the other day and said, “I had no idea. Congrats!” I just stared at him a little confused. That is when I realized he was talking about my pregnancy. Lucky for him, I am pregnant!
While I’m adjusting to the physical changes in my body, I am having a much harder time adjusting to the mental changes. For what feels like the first time, I am feeling insecure. I find myself questioning everything. I’m feeling insecure in my relationship with Christian. I’m doubting my ability to accomplish things (RUNNING!). I am not okay with any of this! I know I am so much more than this – I just can’t snap out of it.
I’m hoping I stumbled upon a little piece of sanity tonight on Facebook. Elephant Journal posted a blog called I’m Pregnant but I feel Fat. I love the honesty of this piece. While I don’t feel fat or ugly, I don’t feel like myself at all since I’ve become pregnant. I need to get my self-doubt under control. I don’t want my baby to live in a world of self-doubt for the next 27 weeks. I don’t want to live in a world of self-doubt for the next 27 weeks. The blog referenced a book called Does this Pregnancy Make me look Fat? The Essential Guide to Loving your Body Before and After Baby. I’ve ordered it, and it should be in my mailbox on Saturday. I haven’t read many pregnancy books this time around, but I have a feeling this one will take a permanent place on my nightstand for a some time. While I’m feeling insecure at the moment, I am smart enough to know that it is a result of pregnancy (and I think some emotion left over from my marathon injury and 12 weeks of no running). Bare with me as I work through it.
I want Maute Moo – boy or girl – to have a safe haven to grow and develop. I believe that we pass our inner dialogue onto our children while they are in our womb. I am strong enough to tackle this problem head on because I know I deserve a happy healthy pregnancy, and I want Maute Moo to grow up to be a confident strong individual. I don’t want to plant seeds of self-doubt in a baby that hasn’t even been introduced to the world yet. Going forward, I will believe my husband when he says I’m beautiful. I will remind myself that I am strong. I will tell myself all the things I would tell Maute Moo if he/she came to me feeling like they weren’t quite enough. You are beautiful, and smart, and perfect exactly as you are right now.